I’m going to say this up front:

If you have children and have ever imagined what it might be like to discover that they are suddenly missing, or you suspect someone has stolen them away–that dread and feeling of nausea–that is what losing a work in progress feels like. I know, I know–some of you will argue that you can’t compare a piece of writing to a life. Well, actually, I CAN. Just as you can’t go and have another baby that is just the same (or remotely close to) the one you’ve lost, I can no more easily recreate something once I’ve lost it. Certainly not a book!

Though it’s been quite some time since I’ve mentioned it, I know I’ve talked about it in the past–maybe here, maybe on Livejournal, back in the day–but I know that Scorsese’s Tinder Box will not sound unfamiliar to some of you. Yes: That is the piece that has vanished. I know I talked about it quite a few times, and I know that it wasn’t all just talk. While I may not have completed it, I know that at least several pages of it were written. This is nightmarish and I feel sick. I want to write this book, but there is no way in hell that I can recreate what I had already written. Can I hope that the next try will be better? It’s unfathomable to even go there. I have these silly hopes that it will turn up somewhere–that I’ve somehow missed it while frantically going through 3 boxes and four shelves of handwritten stories and works in progress, but I’m sure at this point that I haven’t. There’s the tiniest chance that there’s something of it on my old laptop…that I cannot remember the password for, and therefore can’t get into without wiping the entire drive–since I no longer have the backup discs that would help me bypass the password. I try not to travel the path of thoughts that point to having been conspired against, but it’s happened before–having a jealous significant other steal, destroy or throw away something I’ve written. I know: how completely weak. (And if you’ve ever done this to me or anyone else and you are reading this post…Yeah,  imagine the karmic backlash you’ll get for it and then try to sleep tonight.) It’s a real shame and aside from what I’ve already said here, I just don’t know what more to add…