Win some, lose big

This is going to be a less than peppy post,  just to give a quick update on my works in progress and a life-changing event. Short on detail because I’m really just trying to hold it together and hide in a little bit of denial for a little longer.

The writing: I’ve officially decided which stories will go into The Doll Collection: Volume Two and have since finished “Again” and “Sting”. I believe those were the last two still in progress. There might have been another one, but I exchanged it for a finished one destined for TDC: V3.  As soon as the semester is over (December 14th, officially), I’ll get to the editing. In the meantime, I might sneak a bit of work in on some of volume 3’s unfinished pieces, just so I can try to stay sane. The remaining work for school (especially this week) is going to be heavy and I have already lost a day to work on it…

Right in the middle of my “vacation” away for the holiday, I received word that Louie passed away. For anyone who doesn’t know who that is, she was my cat of 19 years. I had her for all but the first 2 months of her life. She has been the only being to actively be in my life for that length of time, which even outweighs my childhood, considering that I left home almost immediately after turning 17. At her age, it wasn’t unexpected but I wasn’t home at the time and I’m devastated. This has pretty much left me with a very empty apartment (since I hardly feel like this is home) and certainly with no emotional support except what people on the fringes can stop and give here and there during the busyness of their lives. It’s all I can do not to lose it, and I have to go back to work tomorrow. I have no idea how I’m going to do it… I got home from my trip on Saturday and had to figure out what to do with her. Nothing felt right about having her cremated and I’m not “allowed” to bury her in the bit of yard where I live. It didn’t feel right to do that anyway either–I don’t plan to stay here, so why would I want to intern her here? I made a split second decision to drive up to Erie yesterday morning and take her to a good friend’s house (she has a yard and burial was okay to do). Erie is also where Louie was born, so it seemed like the right thing to do. People will probably think it was stupid of me to make a 12 hour round trip drive for a cat, but when she’s the only one to have stuck by me for so long and shared in my ups and downs, you’d better believe I’d do it. I just couldn’t put her into the hands of a stranger. I just couldn’t. It was excruciating to dig a hole in the cold ground, in the dark, after being in the car for a chunk of the day, and then to hold her for those last few moments…But it was less cruel than the alternative. It’s bad enough that I wasn’t home when she died. The least I could do was bury her myself. There is a little bit of peace that came with that.

It was a turn and burn road trip, as I arrived back home this afternoon. I’m exhausted and distraught and feel like I’m splashing around in a dark ocean where I have nothing to grab onto and my feet can’t touch the bottom. IT. FEELS. AWFUL. I keep looking for her–watching my step, because I’m so used to having to do that with her here. I am expecting any minute to have her come to me to let me know it’s time to start our nighttime routine…but she’s not going to. Here I am, completely alone now, and nothing I can do to change it in this moment. Everything feels so empty, and so raw at the same time. As usual, there’s no one to even offer their embrace, and always when I need it most. That I have to still be here to live through that repeatedly is cruel. I will be drowning myself in my stories, hiding behind my characters and their tales, until the universe decides to be nice for a change.

Before leaving Erie this morning, I located the grave of an ex-boyfriend who died two years ago of cancer. We didn’t part on good terms, and I’d not forgiven him for some of the stuff he said and did to me. He is not the worst of people I’ve suffered time with–not by a long shot, but I’ve still held a grudge for about 17 years. At least I was able to let that go over the past few days. At least that anchor is gone. He was still a jerk and he was still mean, but I’ve forgiven him and the graveside visit gave me closure. At least we have that. If there’s any truth to the whole energy bit, there’s now a gaping space with that awful weight gone. It would sure be nice for it to be replaced with something loving. There is certainly now the room for it, and if karma exists, I think I’ve paid quite a hefty penance already. I deserve better than what I keep getting.


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