Where I Am

As life continues to throw me curveballs and love and support disappears left and right, I am taking a moment to express my gratitude for all that I do have and those who have bothered to stick around for the ride. This is not the first time I’ve been at the bottom, it’s not the first time I’ve ceased to exist to others. Somehow, I’m still here and alive–doing my best to keep my chin up when I feel withered–and again left looking for my purpose in continuing with this life.

I’ve started a new job as an associate teacher through Head Start. Short of knowing nothing of what I’m doing, I enjoy it–I enjoy finally getting to be around children and feel pretty blessed that the opportunity has been presented. It is a struggle, however, as anyone knows that teachers make very little money–associate teachers make even less. Being back below poverty level, I’m now looking for additional work and a closer residence to my job so I can cut out the 35-45 minute commute and save on fuel. It’s tricky and going much more slowly than I thought it would. I’m also looking for a second job, though getting schedules to match has also proven a challenge.

As things have been particularly dismantling (especially in the past two weeks), I’ve lost much of the inspiration to my writing…It’s devastating and I have no other words for that… I will make it one of my priorities to finish the last chapter of The Open Book this weekend, as I still want to release it before the end of the year, but my joy for writing has been more than a little weakened. It will take some time to get that back. I’ve said before that I would never give up my writing, as it feeds my soul unlike anything else, but in the middle of moments like this, I do wonder if it will ever come back–it does not feel like it this time, and that is rather soul-crushing as well.

It’s been some time since I’ve done much sewing. There’s a part of me that feels I should return to it as a means of distraction, and also to help me get rid of more excess in materials. I still think while I’m sewing, but not to the extent that other activities allow for, and that may be best for now. I will say that not being on call anymore has already lifted quite a lot of a different kind of stress. Yes, I abhor struggling and scraping financially, but I will make things work. Being on call was inescapable. At least I can go for walks now and leave my phone behind…I can only hope that being able to have that will bring inspiration where there is none.