Up at a decent time and completely unmotivated to do anything. That’s not really what I wanted to write a post about, but this is where I am at the moment, and until I figure out how to get out of it, well, why not post something?

Today’s agenda lies heavily in my algebra homework, as well as studying for a test. This entire past week did not leave for much time, nor much of a mental space to work on my homework, so what I have to do is from Wednesday’s class…Yeah, I know–days ago already. It’s hard not to get down on myself about this, and at the same time, it’s pretty easy to pinpoint why I’ve been distracted like this. Fortunately, I’m making steps to change my situation–to make it more livable. I know I’m not the only person out there who just can’t lie down and let life trample all over them. It’s hard to know when to start making those moves though, but for me, the biggest indicator that something in my life has to either change or be cut loose, is when it impacts my ability to write. This is happening right now. It’s been happening for a while, off and on, but heavily in the past few months. It’s not hard to know what needs to be done about it in this case–fortunately–though getting change to happen takes longer than I care for. In any case, the truth still stands: I’m happy when I write, but I can’t write when I’m not happy… Not sure what the Universe doesn’t understand about all that, or why I keep getting into these mediocre-to-nightmarish situations that cause me to hit so many walls. I’ve been given a gift and I do not enjoy forcing things from it when I’m in a time like this. It doesn’t work that way and for me, it never will. Nevertheless: change. I can’t control how quickly it comes, but I can control that it does come. And it will.

About a month ago, I wrote out my scenario for an ideal life. It was amazing how simple it actually was, and how blissfully happy I found myself in that life. I have such a hard time wrapping my head around why I haven’t yet achieved it. What am I missing? What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right? It’s not complicated, so the road to get there shouldn’t be either. I suppose the first step is to do what I would for changing any unsatisfactory situation: cut out the rubbish and make room for the good. If I only had the means to continue taking those leaps of faith–hard to do on my budget! And I don’t think I’ve done myself any favors by deciding that I probably won’t ever make a living on my books. That’s not actually up to me though–it’s up to people who would need to be buying my books! I don’t have much control over that part. In fact, I do my part: I write them and make them available. I show up at events when I’m able and I talk about them and writing, and try to create interest. What else would you like from me??

Speaking of money-making schemes…I have tossed around the idea over the years of being a wedding planner. Not that I like weddings much–in fact, I really don’t care for them at all! And I think that is the point: I don’t like the typical wedding that everyone seems to have to have. (You can read about exactly what I mean in A Potagerie of Rejects!) As a wedding planner, I would have a strict contract that would state the bride and groom would plan for what They want, no other opinions would be considered. None. I don’t care who is footing the bill. A bride and groom can pull off the perfect wedding for them without help from daddy or threats from their monster-in-law to be. It can be done. I also wouldn’t allow the bride to shop in a bridal ’boutique’. Her gown would be custom made for her, and she’d be required to do her research and bring in pictures of what she’d want. Then she’d work with a professional seamstress (and I know a GREAT one! No…not me) to create her gown. And by the way: a custom made gown doesn’t necessarily cost more than a generic off-the-rack gown. I had someone come to me years ago, wanting a Victorian gown similar to my Time Jumper dress. I gave her a quote and we talked about details, and then I never heard from her again. I think $1100 for THIS (minus the watches) made to fit one specific person, would have been a steal!!

But… People get confused. They listen to other people who don’t know what they’re talking about, and then get led down roads that aren’t meant for them. I get it. It would be my job not to let that happen. Anyway…Wedding Planner…I think it would be a good job for me and there would be a lot more unique and suitable weddings going on out there. No idea how to get started on that, though I suspect sticking some business accounting classes into my school curriculum might be wise. In the meantime: I have more urgent changes to make that will allow me to keep my head above water and my passions at hand. I’m not sure I was taken seriously when I said I was done with the pointless, mind-numbing, life-stunting stress, but I meant that and still do. There’s no fathomable reason why my life has to be so damn hard for the entire time I’m on this planet. I can’t do much for other people while in a position like this, and as that is the case, seems like such a waste to even be here at all.  Things must change. There is no other option.